Click here to listen to this as a podcast episode on JAM: Just a Moment With Mark Silver
As we head into the Thanksgiving holiday, I’ve been thinking a lot about gratitude. And, in particular, three lessons from my childhood.
First, my mother taught me the importance of writing thank you cards. The joy of receiving birthday or Christmas gifts was quickly followed by the need to craft a well-thought out note of appreciation. If I’m totally honest, I dreaded it a bit at the time, and yet before too many years, it was so deeply instilled in me, that she didn’t even need to remind me to get them out.
Second, my mother often reminded me to “tend my friend garden.” She is an avid gardener – well into her 80s, she is still growing and lovingly nurturing rose bushes – and so the metaphor always seemed particularly apt. At several key moments in middle school and high school when I wasn’t necessarily being my kindest or best self, she would remind me that friendship is something you have to nurture and care for – or you risk losing it, advice I mostly followed. Just as importantly, she led by example. Like many parents, she was quick to remind me, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” She also modeled ways big and small that she would connect with friends and family. Birthday cards, phone calls, invitations to lunch or dinner, and multiple, regular friend-group gatherings – Book Club, Brunch Club, and, more recently, Massage Bridge (five people get together, and four play bridge while the 5th rotates through for a massage!) – have been part of her routine since as long as I can remember.
Third, and tied directly to the season, we would always host a relatively large group at Thanksgiving (14-16 people). Much of the group was family, including aunts, uncles, and cousins, but typically, there was one or two “extra” people who did not have their own place to be on Thanksgiving. This became particularly true as I grew older and our own family was scattered at the holidays, meaning that the table became more and more filled with people who were looking for a Thanksgiving home. Look out for others and help them feel like our home is their home was a powerful lesson I have not forgotten.
Thinking about Thanksgiving and reflecting on my mother’s life lessons, I realized that at the heart of all three lessons is the value of relationships. The importance of nurturing existing relationships and of looking to build new ones, for sure, but also the importance of recognizing the gifts that we have – both literal and figurative – and taking the time to show appreciation. Her life lessons are deeply grounded in a profound sense of gratitude, for the things she had in her life and for the opportunity she had to make other people’s lives better. There were years where things were good at the holidays, and years where things were really hard (the year in the 1980s when both of my grandfathers passed away, for example), and yet she always took a moment to be grateful.
This year, we will be with my mother and other family members in Central Oregon on Thanksgiving Day. I am particularly excited that all three of my children, including our two older children, will be able to join. Earlier this Fall we didn’t think that would be true, so this feels like an unexpected bonus.