I marked the 18th anniversary of when I stopped sleeping through the night just last week. Or to put it another way, my oldest daughter, Lily, turned 18. In the first few years, I didn’t sleep because she didn’t sleep. And then, of course, her younger siblings came along. About 8 years into it, I realized I might never sleep through the night again.
For the first two years of Lily’s life, I thought about this a lot. I actively sought out the advice and expertise of other parents, pediatricians, and childcare providers. It was still the early days of the internet so most of my advice came from books. I remember one book, in particular, Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems, by Richard Ferber. Even then, it was an older book, first published in the mid-1980s, and people would routinely tell me about the Ferber Method. I sought it out somewhat in desperation when she was just a little over a year old. I imagine that many of you reading this have either read or heard of the book and/or the method and that even hearing it generates strong reactions one way or the other. Needless to say, we tried it – somewhat – and it had only mixed results, meaning that she still wasn’t sleeping through the night until well past two.
While I didn’t necessarily find the “right” answer or magic solution to the sleep “problem” with Ferber or the other people I consulted, the process of seeking out advice and the opportunity to learn from others was invaluable. More than anything, it helped me realize that there were other people who were experiencing similar ups and downs, living through the inevitable challenges of parenting. It is definitely helpful to be reminded that you are not alone.
This past week, we held another in our yearlong series of Family Education events. Co-led by Director of the Scott Center for Social Entrepreneurship Annie Makela and Director of Technology Bill Selak, the presentation focused on the many different ways students are reaching beyond both on and off campus. They described the structures we have to support this work, including Reach Beyond Block and Reach Beyond Week, as well as myriad stories of how different children were engaged in experiences that helped them make sense of our two guiding questions – what matters to you and what are you doing about it? The presentation reminded me of the extraordinary things that are possible when you create time and space for children to be co-pilots in their own educational journey.
This was one of many Family Education events we have held this year, as we have made a real effort to broaden and strengthen this component of our program. In addition to this past week’s Reach Beyond learning event, we have offered programs that focus on navigating your child’s social world, understanding how we evaluate our program, exploring our approach to math education, and learning about the different ways we approach diversity, equity & inclusion. We have done so with the belief that these types of events meet three important needs for adults in our community – connection, access, and insight.
We know that connection to one another, to the adults that work with children at the school, and to the school’s culture and core values helps families feel seen and known, and helps families connect with the people who are partnering with them in their child’s educational journey. We also believe that access to Hillbrook’s leadership team, faculty and staff, as well as outside experts in child development and pedagogical best practices, provides insight into the broader scope of childhood development and education, helping families place their own child’s experiences in context and hopefully offering insight and reassurance as they navigate the unexpected twists and turns of childhood. Finally, our Family Education events offer insight into the day-to-day learning experiences of children, as well as the overall arc of a Hillbrook’s student experience. These events broaden our knowledge of what children are doing and help to fill-in-the-blanks when children respond to a parent’s questions about what is happening at school with the classics, “I don’t know” and “Nothing.”
In addition to these Family Education events, we have also sought new ways to engage families in important conversations about parenting, child development, and learning. I have launched a new podcast version of my blog, “ReMarks & Reflections” that aims to provide a new entry point for people interested in engaging in conversations relevant to Hillbrook and to our vision. Recent episodes have included an interview with our new Head of Middle School Amy Hand, an overview of WIFTTY, a recent Reach Beyond Block that focused on women in finance and technology and includes several student podcasts, and a conversation with Amy, Instructional Coach Autumn Vavoso and Middle School Math Lead Clara Ngo about our math program. Bill and Annie have created a series of podcasts through the Center for Teaching Excellence. Episodes have looked at a wide range of topics, including the six pillars of social entrepreneurship, a conversation with recent campus speaker Gyasi Ross, and insight into the soon-to-be-open Hub and how it will connect with social entrepreneurship.
We also encourage families to participate in the Common Ground Speaker Series, a program that Hillbrook has been part of since its inception more than 20 years ago. Hillbrook parents continue to play a leadership role in this program, which provides access throughout the year to some of the leading voices in parenting and education from around the country.
Returning to where I started this essay, I can proudly share that all three of my children sleep through the night. I, of course, had nothing to do with that developmental milestone, but it was certainly one I celebrated.
It reminds me a bit of an essay written by Anna Quindlen, “Goodbye, Dr. Spock,” She wrote it back in 2000, a little over a year before Lily was born, and it is one I return to often. Quindlen wrote the essay as her youngest of three children prepared to head off to college. She talks of the many experts she consulted during the years, and of the things she worried about. Would her 18 month old ever walk? Should she place them on a feeding schedule? How did she make sense of the often conflicting and continually shifting advice? She reminds us that while there is undoubtedly value in consulting with experts and other parents, in the end, the best advice is probably to worry less and trust ourselves more. To recognize that we are human and thus we will make lots of mistakes along the way. She even shares a list of those mistakes enshrined in what she calls the “Remember When Mom Did” Hall of Fame. And, most importantly, she writes:
“But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of them sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.”
My oldest daughter just turned 18, and I try to remind myself daily to slow down and enjoy these moments. It is easier said than done.