Parenting is hard. Yes, it can be joyful, funny, poignant, inspiring, and incredibly rewarding, AND, in the end, it is also hard.
I am reminded of this daily, not only in my own life, but also as I connect with Hillbrook parents in the morning at carpool, while watching a football game on the field in the afternoon, or at some off-site location like Lunardi’s or Studio Kicks when we just happen to run into each other. On a regular basis, a parent will turn to me and share a story. Some stories make us laugh, while others inspire an empathetic nod of the head. Often times they are seeking advice, something I usually, although not always, feel confident in providing.
For a long time, my advice was primarily that of an educator, someone who has read deeply about teaching, learning, and child development, and has seen hundreds of students travel through the different developmental stages of childhood. This gives me a level of perspective, and I can sometimes recognize and normalize certain trends and experiences that, to a parent, seem unusual or unexpected.
As an educator, there are certain go-to experts and books that have helped shape my philosophy on raising children. Wendy Mogel’s The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, Carol Dweck’s Mindset, Michael Thompson’s Best Friends, Worst Enemies and Mike Riera’s Uncommon Sense for Parents of Teenagers are a few of the books that I encourage every parent to have on their parenting shelf. Each has what I would consider timeless nuggets of wisdom that serve as key touchstones each time a new situation arises for me either as a parent or school leader.
Increasingly, my advice has also been that of a parent of three children, allowing me to be able to relate to a situation in the moment that is remarkably similar to something Carla and I have had to navigate at home. In the last few weeks, for example, I have spoken with families about:
* The challenge of sibling dynamics – what happens when one child succeeds at something and the other one struggles or fails?
* The transition back to school and making friends – how do you support a child that gets into the car after school and breaks into tears about something that happened on the playground?
* The roller coaster ride of Middle School – how do you meet the wildly fluctuating needs of your early adolescent?
* Owning a cell phone – what is the right age and is it okay if your child is the the “only” child in (insert grade here) who doesn’t own one?
As a parent, I have experienced all of these things. Sometimes, I have handled these situations in a way that felt pitch perfect, and other times I have landed flat on my face. In deference to my children, particularly my oldest daughter Lily, I won’t share any stories here. Let’s just say, I usually remember the times it went well, and they usually remember the times it didn’t. I imagine the truth lies somewhere in the middle. If nothing else, parenthood is providing me a growing treasure trove of experiences that offer a humbling reminder of how complex raising a child can be.
As both a parent and educator, I am always seeking new sources of wisdom and perspective. Next week, Po Bronson, author of NurtureShock and Top Dog, will be visiting the South Bay as the first Common Ground speaker of the year. Common Ground is an organization founded more than 10 years ago that brings nationally recognized speakers to our area to talk about parenting and education. As one of the founding schools of Common Ground, Hillbrook has been deeply involved in the organization since the beginning and many Hillbrook parents have been actively engaged not only here at school but as part of the organization’s leadership team. I strongly encourage all parents to take advantage of the opportunity afforded to us through Common Ground. Entrance to the events is free and the speakers are always thought-provoking.
In addition, I also encourage you to place Wednesday, October 23 at 6 pm on your calendar to join us here in Hillbrook’s Founders’ Hall for a presentation by Sheri Glucoft-Wong entitled, “What every parent should know about helping your child navigate today’s social world.” Sheri, a family therapist located in Berkeley, has spoken with teachers and parents at schools around the Bay Area about how we can partner together to support our children. In addition to her evening presentation to parents, Sheri will conduct a two and a half hour session with our faculty during the day. If I could make this a mandatory event for parents, I would. I have heard from other school leaders and parents that she is excellent and provides invaluable advice for all of us as we strive to help our children develop the critical social emotional skills they will need for success in school and in life.
Parenting is challenging because there are no right or wrong answers, no one way to raise your children. Parenting is also very public, and many of our decisions are open to scrutiny and second-guessing. As our children grow older, it becomes harder and harder to assess how we are doing, as we struggle to understand at any given moment how our decisions are impacting our children’s lives. The reality, however, is that children are resilient and they are their own people, not merely extensions of us. We probably are too quick to take credit when something goes well, and too eager to take the blame when something goes wrong.
In the end, the most important thing we need to do is love our children unconditionally and to celebrate the extraordinary young adults they are slowly becoming each day. Lately, whenever possible, I find myself particularly savoring certain moments – Piper enthusiastically jumping into my arms, Jackson snuggling up with me to read a book at night, Lily animatedly discussing a new move she has learned in gymnastics.
After all, childhood is short. We need to enjoy these moments while they last.